*Firefly -- Objects in Space* Written & Directed by Joss Whedon *Teaser* A MAN'S VOICE We're all just floating. KAYLEE You couldn't possibly... SIMON No, I wish I was lying. I just -- you know, we'd all just made surgeon, that was it, we were the elite, the world was ours, you know -- KAYLEE -- so you had to be naked? SIMON Naked, yes, and on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can you just picture me? KAYLEE What, naked? Hm, let's see, I'll have to conjure up -- yeah, that's gonna be difficult. So the feds come? SIMON Mmm... there were no feds. Until I started singing. Well, this is not... KAYLEE [giggling] What did you sing? SIMON This is not funny. This is a morality tale about the evils of sake. [to River] I would be there right now. I mean, it was either that or the national anthem. Like, reports vary. KAYLEE And you don't remember any of this? SIMON I remember talking the feds out of telling my father... or paying the feds out of telling my father, I get fuzzy on aspects... JAYNE So, like... never? BOOK Well, no. JAYNE Not ever never? BOOK Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path. JAYNE But, I mean, you still got the urge. They don't cut it off or nothing... BOOK [smiles] No, I'm more or less intact. I just direct my energy elsewhere. JAYNE You mean like masterbatin'~? BOOK I hope you're not thinking of taking orders yourself... JAYNE Yeah, that'll be the day. [to River] I got stupid. The money was too good. BOOK [to River] I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not! So where does that put you? JAYNE It ain't impossible! Saint Jayne. It's got a ring to it. BOOK I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed. JAYNE I once hit a guy in the neck at five hundred yards with a bent scope, don't that count upstairs? BOOK Oh, it'll be taken into consideration... JAYNE Well that sounds kinda ominous... INARA I've put out a few waves to some old acquaintances -- I may even be able to find something in New Melbourne, if you need the shuttle free. MAL We just gonna be there long enough to pick up cargo. You know, the only thing you're gonna find in New Melbourne is fish and fish related activities. Unless you got the overwhelming urge to gut sturgeon -- and who hasn't, occasionally -- INARA But it's a layover point for almost every planet this side of the system. I could... I just don't want to draw this out. MAL Have you decided when you're gonna tell the others? INARA I... no. I appreciate your not saying anything. MAL Well, I don't. So make up your mind. INARA I'm a big girl. Just tell me. MAL None of it means a damn thing. RIVER It's just an object. [looks up] Doesn't mean what you think... KAYLEE Stay calm! SIMON River you know that's not to be touched! INARA Stop yelling at her, that's gonna make it... MAL River, sweetheart, nothing to do with that, put it down! RIVER Kaylee...? SIMON What were you thinking? Where did you get ahold of this? INARA Don't yell at her... RIVER It was in my hand... MAL ... not mad, just let me... Thank you. Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness. Does she understand that? RIVER She understands. She doesn't comprehend. MAL Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction. _No touching guns,_ okay? RIVER No touching. SIMON River -- RIVER It's getting very very crowded! MAL Thought she was on the med. SIMON Her medications are erratic, there's not one that her system can't eventually break down, and -- MAL I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor. SIMON You are talking to a doctor. MAL Yeah, okay -- my point is, coulda been you she mighta shot just then. The doctor, as you just made note of. And who exactly could fix you? Not nobody. We're deep in space, corner No and Where. You take extra care with her. Cause we're very much alone out here. *Title* Take my love, take my land, take me where I gotta stand. I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me. Take me out, to the black, tell them I ain't coming back. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me. There's no place I can be, since I found Serenity. But you can't take the sky from me. *Act One* WASH Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next? ZOE Either blow us all up or rub soup in her hair, it's a toss up. WASH I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot and we don't all die from it. ZOE That poor kid... WASH [looking at screen] Yeah, she's definitely got... Funny. ZOE Something wrong? WASH I'm just getting a weird heat bounce off our wake. ZOE Engine flux? WASH Sensor's probably got turned around. I'll climb up top when we hit land. MAL ... the lockers were sealed. Only way she could get in there is if she knows the combination. JAYNE I don't leave my guns around, Mal, and I don't leave 'em loaded. MAL Well somehow she got her hands on your hardware. Now supposing she took up something with hull-piercing bullets? JAYNE Bullets is soft lead, Mal. Even Vera could barely breach the hull, she's the best I got! Damn, let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's- fault direction. I didn't make her crazy. Hell, I didn't even want her on the ship. MAL [in his face, quiet] Is that the direction you want this conversation to go in? JAYNE Just don't want to take a lashing for something I ain't the cause of. ZOE Where's River at now? MAL In her room, which I'm thinking we bolt from the outside from now on. WASH That's a little extreme, isn't it? JAYNE Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher's knife? WASH [remembering fondly] Wacky fun... JAYNE You wanna go, little man? WASH Only if it's someplace with candlelight. ZOE Sir, I know she's unpredictable. But I don't think she'd harm anyone. JAYNE Butcher's knife! ZOE Anyone we can't spare. I mean, far as we know, the girl's never even picked up a gun before. KAYLEE That ain't so. MAL Kaylee, you got something to say? MAL Okay Kaylee, why don't you speak your piece. KAYLEE It was when... the Captain and Wash got took by Niska. MAL Ain't like to forget that any time soon. KAYLEE Well, we all went in, me too... Didn't make much account of myself, I'm afraid. MAL [touches her] I got no problem with the notion you not killin'~ nobody, Kaylee. SIMON What's this got to do with River? She wasn't even in that fight. KAYLEE Well, no, she was. I got pinned down, and there were three guys and I couldn't... And then River comes up, she looks out, sees 'em all. And they was spread out, you know, had some cover, but she only looked for a second and... Took me gun. Closed her eyes. Killed 'em. SIMON She shot them? KAYLEE All three, dead in an instant. And her eyes still closed. JAYNE Well that's =fay-fay= duh =pee=-yen [a baboon's ass-crack]. You saw it wrong. KAYLEE Not a jot. And it weren't autofire, or luck... She just... she just did the math. ZOE You understand how that sounds... JAYNE What? She killed them with mathematics, what else could it have been. KAYLEE You couldn't have done it, Jayne. Nor you, captain. Nobody can shoot like that that's a person. SIMON So River's not a person? KAYLEE Oh please don't be mad... SIMON I just want to understand what you're saying here. I thought River was your friend. KAYLEE She is. But Simon... the way she... Right after, she looked at me and she smiled, like nothing was wrong. Like we were playing. Scared me. BOOK Could be she saved your life, Kaylee. KAYLEE Oh, I'm all aware of that, and I'm not saying -- SIMON She probably didn't even know what was going on! Thought it was a game. JAYNE Later on you can explain to me how that's a comfort. Might have to use some'a that math we been hearing about... MAL [running over Jayne] What we got here to deal with is the larger issue. And that larger issue is we got someone on board this ship might be a danger to us. It's not a question of whether we like her... some of us have grown attached to River... Kaylee, I know you have or you'd've spoken up sooner, which by the by you should have. I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her, and I ain't just talking about her proficiency with fire-arms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't. JAYNE What, are you saying she's a witch? WASH Yes Jayne, she's a witch. She has had congress with the Beast. JAYNE She's in Congress? WASH How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious. INARA =bee=-jway, neen hen =boo- tee-tyeh= duh =nan=-shung! [Shut up, you inconsiderate schoolboys!] This isn't a joking matter. This is about our lives and River's. MAL Thank you. SIMON She's deeply intuitive. It's true that somehow -- MAL I don't think she's intuitive, Doctor. I think she's a reader. ZOE Psychic? WASH Is that even remotely possible? MAL [to Simon] You tell me. You been studying what they've done to her. SIMON They've definitely altered the way she reacts to things, even the way she perceives... but I'm not... WASH Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction! ZOE You live in a spaceship, dear. WASH So? JAYNE [suddenly more uncomfy] Whoa, back up a sec. Are you saying she really read minds? MAL Or near enough. Am I alone thinking along those lines? BOOK No. JAYNE Well, I don't like the idea of someone hearing what I'm thinking. INARA No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking. BOOK The alliance could have any number of uses for a psychic. ZOE A psychic, or an assassin... SIMON She's just a kid. And she just wants to be... a kid. MAL I wish it were that simple. JAYNE Yeah, and if wishes were horses we'd all be eatin'~ steak. What do we plan to do about this? MAL Well, that's the question. SIMON I don't think she'd ever hurt any of us. MAL Maybe you're right. I ain't gonna make a decision on anything till I've thought on it awhile. It's late. Let's get some rest. KAYLEE Simon -- SIMON Gotta go check on my assassin. KAYLEE Oh please don't be mad. I had to say something. SIMON I'm not mad at you. I just... She loves this ship. I think it's more home to her than any place she's been. KAYLEE What about you? SIMON I mean, I... I thought the hospital was home. I was really making a difference there... and embarrassingly large stacks of money, and I could've... I would be there right now if she hadn't... If they had just left her alone. KAYLEE Is it so bad here? SIMON I don't even know if the captain'll let us -- KAYLEE No, I mean, isn't there anything about this place you're glad of? BOOK Good night, you two. SIMON I, uh -- KAYLEE Don't. Yeah, I -- SIMON Good night. KAYLEE Don't let the space bugs... bite... Space bugs...? *Act Two* KAYLEE River...? River...! EARLY I like this ship. Serenity. She's good-looking. KAYLEE How did you get on...? EARLY It strains the mind a bit, don't it? You think you're all alone... Maybe I come down the chimney, Kaylee. Bring presents to the good girls and boys. Maybe not, though. Maybe I've always been here. KAYLEE What do you want? EARLY That's her beating heart, isn't it? You pull off any one of a thousand parts, she'll just die. Such a slender thread... [still looking at the engine] You ever been raped? KAYLEE The captain is right down the hallway, he can hear you -- EARLY The captain's locked in his quarters. They all are. There's nobody can help you. Say it. KAYLEE There's... there's nobody can help me. EARLY I'm gonna tie you up now. And you know what I'm gonna do then? [she can't answer] I'm gonna give you a present. Get rid of a problem you've got. And I won't touch you in any wrong fashion, nor hurt you at all, unless you make some kind of ruckus. You throw a monkey wrench into my dealings in any way, your body is forfeit. Ain't nothing but a body to me, and I can find all unseemly manner of use for it. Do you understand? KAYLEE [tiny voice] Yes. EARLY Turn around and put your hands behind your back. Now tell me, Kaylee... where does River sleep? BOOK Hello? SIMON River... EARLY Doctor Tam, why don't you sit yourself down? SIMON Rather die standing. EARLY Well, the intention is not for you to die. The warrant doesn't specify any particular need for you to be _alive,_ but... Where's your sister? SIMON Are you Alliance? EARLY [not understanding] Am I a lion? SIMON What? EARLY I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though: I have a mighty roar. SIMON I said `Alliance'. EARLY Oh. I thought -- SIMON No, I was... EARLY That's weird. Where's your sister? SIMON I don't know. Who do you work for? EARLY This is her room? SIMON Yes. EARLY It's empty. SIMON I know. EARLY So is it still her room when it's empty? Does the room, the thing have purpose? Or do we... what's the word... SIMON I really can't help you. EARLY The plan is to take your sister. Get the reward, which is substantial. `Imbue'. That's the word. SIMON So you're a bounty hunter. EARLY No, that ain't it at all. SIMON Then what are you? EARLY I'm a bounty hunter. EARLY I'm named Early. I'm known to some -- Been tracking you since the Feds were tipped off on Ariel. She sleep with anybody? SIMON River? EARLY Yeah... She grapple with any of the crew? May be in their quarters? SIMON No! EARLY Maybe she does and you don't know about it. SIMON This is insane. I'm not gonna help you find her in any case. EARLY I think this is very pretty. I like the weight of it. SIMON I thought the intention was _not_ to kill me. EARLY No. You're missing the point. The design, of the thing. It's functional. The plan is not to shoot you, the plan is to get the girl. If there's no girl, then the plan... well, it's like the room. You are gonna help me look for her. SIMON I don't think my last act in this 'verse is gonna be betraying my sister. EARLY You're gonna help me, because every second you're with me is a chance to turn the tables, to get the better of me. Maybe you'll find your moment. Maybe I'll slip. Or, you refuse to help me. I shoot your brain out, and I go upstairs and spend some time violating the little mechanic I got trussed up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought but she will die, weeping, if you cross me. SIMON [quietly] You're out of your mind. EARLY That's between me and my mind. Let's start with these rooms. He's not killed. Be a while before he comes to, but he'll mend. SIMON How much a part of your _plan_ dictated the necessity of beating up a Shepherd? EARLY That ain't a Shepherd. SIMON She wouldn't come in here anyway, she hates this room. You see, Early, the people you're planning to sell her to cut up her brain in a lab like this. Tortured her. A teen-aged girl. Not some bandit on a murder run, just an innocent -- EARLY You ever been shot? SIMON No. EARLY You oughta be shot, or stabbed, lose a leg... to be a surgeon, you know? Know the kind of pain you're dealing with. They make Psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you? SIMON Come on out, River. Nice man wants to kidnap you... EARLY Shhh. I like the way the walls go out. Gives you an open feeling. Firefly is a good design. People don't appreciate the substance of things. Objects in space. People miss out on what's solid. It's not your moment, Doctor. Is that the companion shuttle? SIMON Yes. EARLY We'll try the empty first. Then we'll pay her a visit. Her room is not saying a _damn_ thing. Hold it. INARA This is pointless, you know that? EARLY Two hundred thousand seems fairly pointed to me. Money like that, I could retire. Not that I would. What's life without work? INARA Serenity is a smuggling ship. I've been here a year, I couldn't name all the places she might hide. EARLY I don't have a year. [to Simon] Your sister's becoming a real annoyance. SIMON I feel for you. EARLY I'm not gonna waste my time threatening you, because I think you believe I will kill people if someone upsets my plan. I'm gonna seal you in, though. You just sit. INARA You can still walk away from this. I know you're tired. EARLY Don't go visiting my intentions. Don't ever. Man is stronger by far than woman. But only woman can create a child. Does that seem right to you? EARLY [calls out] All right, that's all the hide and seek I got time for! I know you're on this ship, little girl, so here's how this goes! You show yourself, and we finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flying every which way. [to Simon] You understand, I'm sort of on a clock here, it's frustrating -- RIVER You're wrong, Early. EARLY I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't -- RIVER Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave, so she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could do that... but she did. EARLY I'm not sure I take your meaning there... RIVER I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I _am_ the ship. SIMON River... RIVER River's gone. EARLY Then who exactly are we talking to? RIVER You're talking to Serenity. And Early... Serenity is very unhappy. *Act Three* RIVER Kaylee? KAYLEE River... RIVER You're afraid. KAYLEE [near tears] He tied me up... I don't know where he came from, he just... RIVER It's okay. You're gonna be okay. KAYLEE I told him where you were. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do, I -- RIVER Sshhhh... I'm fine. I need you to do something for me. Gotta be brave. KAYLEE I'm tied up, I can't -- RIVER Got tools. Something sharp. Don't be scared. I'm right here. EARLY Where'd she go? SIMON I can't keep track of her when she's _not_ incorporeally possessing a spaceship, don't look at me -- EARLY That's some nonsensical crap! Ain't nobody can do that. [to the air] You're somewhere on this boat. Somewhere with a com, playing games. RIVER [laughter] EARLY That's somewhat unsettling. RIVER Early. Mister Jubel Early, bounty hunter... May I call you Jubel? EARLY Ain't nobody calls me that. RIVER Your mother does. Oh, sorry. _Did._ She's gone now. EARLY Is that supposed to scare me? Bringing up my mother? RIVER You're a liar. I don't think your intentions are honorable. EARLY Well no, I'm a bounty hunter, it's not generally considered honorable so much as... I live by a code, though, which I think is worth -- RIVER You hurt people. EARLY Only when the job requires it. RIVER _Wrong._ You're a bad liar. You crawl inside me uninvited and you hurt my crew. I see everything that passes -- EARLY I only hurt people 'cause they keep getting in the way of me finding you! [to Simon] Tell her! SIMON What am I, your advocate? EARLY [thrusts out gun] You are starting now. SIMON [to River] He's really very gentle and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends. RIVER [laughter] EARLY You folks're all insane! SIMON Well, my sister's a ship, we'd a complicated childhood. EARLY Does anybody care that I have a finely crafted gun pointed at this boy's head? RIVER I care. EARLY Then you gonna come out, and stop me from doing what I don't want to? You gonna be smart here, River? River? [beat] Serenity? MAL [groggy] Ow... What the hell's going on here? RIVER I need you to do me a favor, Captain. MAL There was a guy, he's very blurry. You better be careful... How come there's a guy on board and how come you're all of a sudden the ship? RIVER I know you have questions... MAL That would be why I just asked them -- RIVER But there isn't a lot of time, captain, I need you to trust me. MAL Am I dreaming? RIVER We all are. Don't make faces. Are you ready? EARLY Just gotta think here... These older models have locators at all? SIMON Won't help... EARLY [turns to Simon] You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget this girl is the smallest cargo I have ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you? SIMON What did he do? EARLY Who? SIMON The midget. EARLY Arson. Little man _loved_ fire. ZOE I can take this guy out. RIVER He's faster than you. All of you. And he's wearing armor. WASH What about his face? Is his face wearing armor? RIVER _No touching guns._ It's soon now. Are you ready? MAL How do you know what this guy is gonna do? RIVER I'm very close to him. He doesn't even see it. MAL Okay, but -- RIVER _Go now!_ You're not welcome here anymore, Early. EARLY And you think I'm gonna leave here empty handed? RIVER I know it. EARLY Yeah, you know me real well. RIVER Wish I didn't. You like to hurt folk. EARLY It's part of the job. RIVER It's why you took the job. Power. Control. Pain. Your mother knew. Sadness in her when she waved goodbye, but she's relieved. Saw darkness in you. You're not well. EARLY You'll be wanting to shut up now. RIVER Big golden retriever, sitting on the lawn. Never took to you. Smell on you, the neighbors pets, you did things to 'em... cleaned up after. Shined and polished. Everything in here gleams. EARLY Well I'll be a son of a whore. You're not in my gorram mind. You're on my gorram _ship!_ RIVER It's very interesting. All these buttons... EARLY Okay, we're not touching those, okay? [to Simon] How the hell did she get on my ship? RIVER Put the gun away. EARLY [not putting it away] Okay, I'm putting it away... SIMON No, he's not. EARLY I'm putting it away 'cause we're all reasonable people, don't want to be doing anything rash, fiddling with any dials. RIVER You're not right, Early. You're not righteous. Got issues. EARLY No! Or yes, I could have that, you might have me figured out then... Good job, I'm not a hundred percent -- RIVER Talk too much. EARLY I'm flawed in that way, I sometimes go on, it's been said -- RIVER It's okay, Early. I'm going with you. SIMON River, what are you -- RIVER Don't belong. Dangerous. Like you. Can't be controlled. Can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me, and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be, could be with the people they wanted... could live simple. No secrets. SIMON [quietly] No... RIVER I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubel Early. And I'll just fade away. EARLY Well, finally _something_ goes according to -- RIVER Simon? [screams] *Act Four* EARLY See? That's what it feels like. Just hang tight, darlin'~... Early's on the move. RIVER Shhh... it's okay... EARLY You made the right move, darlin'~. Best for you to go with old Early. MAL You think so? Some of us feel differently. RIVER Permission to come aboard? MAL You know, you ain't quite right. RIVER It's the popular theory. MAL Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan. RIVER [going down] He takes _so_ much looking after... SIMON To the left -- your left. Okay, now very gently, pull that aside. ZOE This is really not my area of expertise, Doctor. I tend to be putting these _into_ people more than the other thing. WASH [to Zoe] Can I mop your brow? I'm at the ready with the fearsome brow mopping. SIMON You got the bullet. Okay, I'm just gonna pass out for a minute, but you're doing great. MAL And we live to fight another day. INARA Any chance that shi-ma lak-=ko=-ren [violent lunatic] might survive? MAL Air he had left, I'd say his chance'd be one in... a very large number. Ain't odds I'd play. How's your lip? BOOK I just feel such a fool. JAYNE Yeah, all them years of priest training, taken out by one bounty hunter. BOOK Don't get me wrong -- I gave him a hell of a fight. JAYNE Epic, I'm guessing. BOOK There'll be poems and songs, just you wait. JAYNE At least you got some play. I missed every damn thing. KAYLEE And then his folks come by to fetch him, and it turns out he's like... fourteen years old! [they both laugh] I mean, he must have been some kind of genetic experiment, 'cause I swear this guy was... Oh, my daddy whupped me so hard... Oh! I'm at fours. Let's see you match that. RIVER [seriously] -- I can win this. KAYLEE Oh, I'm hearing a lot of talk there, genius. Come on. Show me what you got. EARLY Yep... here I am...